


Protocol 53

by enigmaticblue



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Community: trope_bingo, Consensual Sex, Fuck Or Die, M/M, Science Boyfriends, Science Bros, Trope Bingo Round 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:59:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3366971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmaticblue/pseuds/enigmaticblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s protocol 53, ladies and gentlemen,” Fury says. “Better to be safe than sorry.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protocol 53

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the trope_bingo prompt, "fuck or die." And, since it's International Fanworks Day, I'm glad I had something in the pipeline ready to go.

Tony leads Bruce into the conference room on the helicarrier, and for once, they’re the first to arrive. Bruce takes a seat near the door and asks, “Do you have any idea what this is about?”

 

“Not a clue,” Tony replies, slumping down into the seat next to him. “You okay?”

 

Bruce shrugs. “As long as they don’t try shutting me in a cage, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Over my dead body,” Tony says automatically.

 

Bruce shoots him an amused look. “Let’s not allow it to get that far, okay?”

 

“Hey, I’m not losing my BFF because Fury’s a paranoid bastard,” Tony replies as the others start to trickle in.

 

“Fury’s always a paranoid bastard,” Barton says. “So, what’s new?”

 

Bruce shrugs uncomfortably.

 

“We have no idea what Fury wants, and Bruce is concerned about the cage,” Tony says.

 

Bruce glares at him. “Tony.”

 

“Not going to happen,” Steve says, sitting down next to Bruce. “You’re one of us, and you’re not getting locked up, not unless you suddenly go nuts and become a danger to society, which doesn’t seem likely.”

 

Bruce’s voice holds just the slightest edge of sarcasm when he says, “Thanks, Cap.”

 

“It’s the truth,” Steve says stoutly.

 

Natasha sits down across from Bruce. “Don’t worry about it, Dr. Banner. I doubt Fury would have called all of us here if he planned on locking you up.”

 

Bruce relaxes a bit at that. “Thanks.”

 

“I, too, would not see you imprisoned,” Thor agrees, sitting down next to Barton. “You are a formidable foe, Dr. Banner, but a valued ally.”

 

Bruce makes a noise that’s equal parts embarrassment and thanks and sinks a little lower in his chair.

 

“I have been reliably informed that there was an incident of some kind,” Barton says. “Everybody is in a meeting today.”

 

Tony frowns. “What kind of incident?”

 

“An embarrassing one, given how hard it’s been to get decent gossip,” he says with a shrug.

 

Fury strides into the room. “We had an incident the other day involving a drug that required those dosed with it to engage in sexual activity to avoid a fatal stroke. This was obviously traumatic for all concerned, particularly because consent was difficult to procure.”

 

Tony glances at Bruce. “So, you want us to come up with an antidote or something?”

 

“Well, if you could, that would be helpful,” Fury says, “but that’s not why I called you here. We’ve put a new protocol into place. It’s protocol 53, ladies and gentlemen. Better to be safe than sorry.”

 

Barton groans. “Oh, God. Not another one.”

 

“Protocols are in place for a reason, Agent Barton. If we have to worry about fuck or die scenarios, then I’m damn well going to be sure that we have prior consent. To that end, you are going to talk as a team and select three people who would be acceptable partners if such an occasion arises.”

 

“Why just team members?” Tony asks. He and Pepper might have broken up, but he’d like to keep his options open.

 

Fury glares at him. “You can choose someone who’s not on the team, and we’ll try to get them to your location in time, but chances of that are slim to none. That was the main problem this last time. If it happens, it’s going to be around your team.”

 

Tony can’t dispute that, but he also doesn’t much care for the considering looks that the entire team is sending Bruce’s way, like they’re all thinking about putting Bruce on the list.

 

And that’s—well, that bothers Tony more than he’d like to admit.

 

“You have until noon tomorrow to get me your lists,” Fury says. “You have my word that this room will be unmonitored.”

 

Tony doesn’t really trust Fury, but somehow he thinks Fury’s telling the truth this time. No one really needs to know how or why they make the decision they do.

 

“So, I figure that no one can have the same person listed as number one,” Tony says, quickly doing the math in his head. “Because that will probably just be uncomfortable for everybody.”

 

“Clint,” Natasha says immediately.

 

Barton smirks. “Natasha.”

 

Tony really should have known those two would choose each other.

 

“I’m really not comfortable with this,” Steve admits, still flushing after Fury’s orders. “I mean, I like you guys fine, but…”

 

“It’s okay if you don’t have any experience, Cap,” Tony says, knowing that he’s probably landing somewhere between sincere and mean. “In a situation like that, it won’t matter.”

 

Thor frowns. “I would think that if our captain has little experience, then his first choice ought to be someone who does.”

 

“Are you volunteering?” Tony asks with a smirk.

 

Thor shakes his head. “It’s unlikely that I would be affected by such a substance, and even less likely that I would be too affected to find Jane. I understand Director Fury’s concern, but she must remain my first choice. There are plenty of those on Asgard who would be willing to couple with me, and Heimdall could return me to my own realm or transport someone here easily. If I am in such a state, Dr. Banner is probably the only person capable of dealing with me.”

 

Bruce blushes bright red. “Uh, Thor, I might not…I mean, there’s no guarantee…the Other Guy could easily do some damage.”

 

“And yet, my statement remains true,” Thor replies. “My first choice is Jane, my second is one from Asgard, and my third choice is Dr. Banner.”

 

Barton and Natasha exchange looks. “The doc would be second on my list,” Barton says.

 

“Mine as well,” Natasha says. “And given our positions on the team, it’s unlikely that we would all be dosed at once, and if we are, our first choice would stand.”

 

Tony really doesn’t like where this is going. “Then my first choice is Bruce,” he says, even if that leaves Steve hanging.

 

He’s seen the way a lot of the female SHIELD agents look at Steve, and more than a few of the men. He won’t lack for willing volunteers.

 

Steve grimaces. “Actually, I was hoping that Bruce would be my first choice.”

 

“Okay, that’s _enough_ ,” Bruce snarls, standing up abruptly. “First of all, the chances of that kind of drug killing me are nil. Second, I’m not going to risk hurting anyone in my condition, so you can all just find your own fucking sacrificial goat.”

 

He stalks out of the room, and they all watch him go in various states of concern and uneasiness.

 

“I didn’t think he’d react that badly,” Steve mutters.

 

Tony shakes his head. “That wasn’t about you, Cap. That was all him. Look, hold off on making a decision until I can talk to him.”

 

At least no one argues about Tony’s right to talk him down, although Tony can’t quite believe he’s fighting with Steve over the option to make Bruce his first choice in a fuck or die scenario.

 

Tony is used to being able to ask Jarvis where Bruce is, but he has to rely on his own instincts and knowledge of Bruce to search on the helicarrier. He heads to the lab they often share when they’re doing work for SHIELD, knowing Bruce well enough to know it’s probably where he feels most comfortable while here.

 

He doesn’t see Bruce right away, but he decides to do a thorough check of the lab, and Bruce is seated in a corner, his back against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest.

 

Tony sits down next to him. “So, want to tell me what that was all about?”

 

“Not really,” Bruce mutters.

 

Tony thinks about that for a moment. “Okay, fair. I know I’m not the most sensitive of individuals. But if you don’t tell me, then you’re going to have to explain to Fury why you’re not making a list of your own.”

 

Bruce rubs his eyes. “You know, I’m usually better at not drawing attention to myself.”

 

“I’m assuming we hit a sore spot,” Tony says.

 

Bruce sighs. “I haven’t had sex since before the accident. The last time I tried was with Betty, and I nearly lost control.”

 

“You turned green?” Tony presses.

 

“No,” Bruce admits. “My heart rate got too high, and I had to stop.”

 

Tony thinks about that for a moment, trying to place the situation into what he knows of Bruce’s history. “So, this was Betty? Shortly before you ‘broke Harlem?’”

 

Bruce grimaces. “Yeah, that would be when.”

 

“Wouldn’t you say you have better control at this point?” Tony asks.

 

There’s a long pause. “I…maybe.”

 

“Then you basically haven’t run across anyone you wanted to take a risk on,” Tony hazards.

 

Bruce runs a hand through his hair. “….yeah.”

 

“So, if one of your team members was in a position where sex was the only thing that could save them, and you were their first choice, wouldn’t you do your teammate a solid?”

 

Bruce scowls. “Not if it meant I’d hurt them. What if I were dosed with that sort of drug, Tony? There’s no telling what state I’d be in.”

 

Tony thinks for a minute. “So, I think we have two problems here.”

 

“Just two?”

 

“First, whether you can have sex without the Other Guy coming out to play, and second, whether this kind of drug will bring out the Other Guy, which I agree, would not be ideal.”

 

Bruce gives him a skeptical look. “I suppose you have a solution.”

 

“Oh, ye of little faith,” Tony replies lightly. “First, you need to find out if you can have sex without losing control. Second, you’ll notice that the Other Guy didn’t make anybody’s list. If something happens, and the drug causes you to lose control, we’ll have other problems to deal with.”

 

Bruce snorts. “That’s putting it lightly.”

 

“Well, we have our work cut out for us,” Tony says. “What do you want to work on first?”

 

Bruce shoots him a look. “I’m sure you have an opinion of what we ought to start with.”

 

“Well, the first is going to require personal time, and the second lab time. I think we can multi-task,” Tony says. “And I am a fan of the scientific method, so I can help with both.”

 

Bruce sighs. “Tony, you just broke up with Pepper. I’m not interested in being your rebound.”

 

“And I respect that, but you’re not my rebound,” Tony replies. “If I hadn’t been with Pepper, I would have propositioned you the first day I met you. Being with Pepper doesn’t change my attraction, or how long it’s been around.”

 

Bruce is quiet for a long moment. “You didn’t say anything.”

 

“It never seemed like the time, and I wasn’t sure you were interested,” Tony admits. “If you’re not, I can recommend a very discreet escort service.”

 

Bruce shakes his head immediately. “No, I don’t—I’m not comfortable with a stranger.”

 

“Someone else on the team?” Tony suggests, bracing himself for the answer.

 

Bruce rolls his eyes. “No. Unlike the others, I trust you not to be an asshole about it, and that you’ll still respect me in the morning.”

 

“I’m not an asshole,” Tony protests.

 

Bruce gives him a hard look.

 

“Okay, maybe a little bit of one,” Tony admits. “But the people I sleep with know the score.”

 

“And what _is_ the score?” Bruce asks.

 

Tony shrugs. “You’re my bro. I could probably do science with you every day for the rest of my life and not get tired of it. If we added a few benefits, I’d definitely be okay with that.”

 

“And if it doesn’t work?”

 

“Then I will feel very sorry for your inability to get laid, and we’ll work on that.” Tony smirks at him. “I trust you not to let a little awkwardness get in the way of a beautiful friendship.”

 

Bruce smiles. “You have my word.”

 

“And you have mine,” Tony replies. “Let’s get this figured out.”

 

“And what about Steve?” Bruce asks. “I noticed he didn’t get left with a lot of options.”

 

Tony waves a hand. “Have you seen the way half the SHIELD agents look at him? He’ll have volunteers lining up.”

 

Bruce chuckles. “I don’t really want to explain this to the others.”

 

“Leave that to me, _mon ami_ ,” Tony replies. “As always, I have you covered.”

 

He has no idea what he’s going to say to the rest of the team, but he’ll come up with something. He always does.

 

“Look, I’ll meet you by the helicopter, all right?” Tony says. “I’ll let the rest of them know we’re leaving. Just so we’re clear, I’m at the top of your list, too, right?”

 

Bruce huffs a laugh. “Yeah, you are.”

 

“Great.” Tony grins. “Trust me, Big Guy. This is going to be _fun._ ”

 

Tony saunters back into the conference room. “Okay, so Bruce said I was first on his list, assuming the Other Guy doesn’t make an appearance. I reassured him that if the drug did cause him to Hulk out, he wouldn’t be on _anyone’s_ list. And Steve, you may want to talk to the literally _dozens_ of SHIELD agents who have been checking you out. Have Romanoff and Barton introduce you, go on a few blind dates, and maybe make some friends.”

 

And with that parting shot, Tony leaves, feeling rather pleased with himself.

 

~~~~~

 

The thing is, Maria Hill has been skeptical of the Avengers Initiative from day one. The battle with Loki and the Chitauri had won her over to Fury’s way of thinking, but it didn’t change the fact that things around SHIELD just keep getting weirder.

 

Aliens, demi-gods, mad scientists, and now _this_. She understands the need for Protocol 53, but she deeply resents its existence.

 

Especially right now.

 

Rogers stumbles out of the building, red-faced and sweaty, his cowl pushed back. “Is everybody clear?” he asks.

 

Maria has taken the precaution of putting on a gas mask. “We’re still missing Stark and Banner, and we’ve had no contact on the radio from either of them. Barton and Romanoff were clear of the building.”

 

She tries very hard not to look at the erection tenting the front of his uniform. Several rather inappropriate thoughts run through her head, but in the end, she asks, “Who’s on your list, Captain?”

 

Rogers gives her a sheepish look. “I…haven’t made one. I figured I’d probably ride it out.”

 

“And if that’s not possible?” she asks, giving him her most unimpressed look.

 

He has the grace to appear ashamed. “Well, uh…”

 

“Lucky for Steve, I was well aware of the lack of a list, and I’m not compromised,” Romanoff says, appearing at Steve’s side. “I’ll monitor him.”

 

“You don’t have to,” Steve protests.

 

“Best not to argue with her,” Barton says, appearing just as silently as Romanoff had. “I’ll keep an eye on things.”

 

Maria frowns. “Did anybody have eyes on Stark or Banner?”

 

Barton shakes his head. “They were too deep inside the warehouse, and they were at ground zero as far as I could tell, since they were the ones who warned the rest of us to get out.”

 

“Do we go in after them?” Maria asks.

 

Steve shakes his head. “No. Clearly, Banner didn’t transform, or we’d be hearing the Hulk, and they _did_ make a list. Each of them is the other’s number one, and if they’re—you know, they don’t need witnesses.”

 

“We should get you somewhere safe,” Romanoff says. “Director Hill, if you’ll excuse us.”

 

Maria nods and removes her gas mask, since she’s obviously in the clear. “Let us know if you need anything.”

 

She sighs and settles in for the long haul. “Right. Martinez! We’re going to need food and drink. Get some sandwiches and coffee.”

 

She just hopes Banner and Stark come through relatively unscathed.

 

~~~~~

 

“Okay, wow,” Bruce mutters. “This is like…”

 

“Being fifteen again times a hundred?” Tony suggests.

 

Bruce laughs. “I haven’t _ever_ had a refractory period this short.”

 

“It’s a really good thing I started keeping lube in the suit,” Tony points out.

 

Bruce rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’m aware you’re a genius. So is everybody else.”

 

“Would you say smartest man in the world?” Tony asks with a smirk.

 

Bruce pretends to think about it. “Well, Reed Richards and Hank Pym might give you a run for your money.”

 

Tony snorts. “Please. And I notice you didn’t include yourself on that list.”

 

“I think you fucked my brains out,” Bruce replies with a smile.

 

Tony gives him a slow grin. “Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle?”

 

“Any variety of mathematical inequalities asserting a fundamental limit to the precision with which certain pairs of physical properties of a particle can be known simultaneously,” Bruce replies promptly.

 

“Your brain is definitely intact,” Tony declares. “You want another round?”

 

Bruce lifts his head just enough to look at his dick, which is finally quiescent. “I think I might be done.”

 

Tony laughs. “What was that? Six rounds?”

 

“Seven,” Bruce replies. “You know, if we could figure out the chemical makeup, create a safe delivery mechanism, and ensure that there aren’t lasting side effects…”

 

Tony raises an eyebrow. “So, what you’re saying is that this was better than all the other times we had sex?”

 

Bruce smiles and shakes his head. “No, but it was the first time I didn’t even think about the Other Guy making an appearance.”

 

Tony grins wickedly. “Well, then, maybe just keep it for our own recreational purposes if nothing else.”

 

Bruce laughs. “Yeah. No arguments from me.”

 

“We should probably get out of here before they come looking for us,” Tony points out.

 

Bruce grimaces. “I feel pretty gross.”

 

“We can’t get showers until we leave,” Tony points out.

 

Bruce presses his forehead against Tony’s bare shoulder. “They’re all going to know what we’ve been doing.”

 

“Good,” Tony replies, but he wraps an arm around Bruce. “They’ll probably figure out we’re together. I know you didn’t want to go public—”

 

“The team isn’t public,” Bruce replies. “And you know Hill runs a tight ship.”

 

Tony grins at him. “Well, let’s see if we can find our clothes. They’ve gotta be around here somewhere.”

 

Luckily, they’d stayed in the same room where they got dosed, so their clothes aren’t too hard to find. Bruce locates his boxers and a pair of pants and a shirt, anyway, although he has no idea whether he or Tony had originally been wearing them. They can only find two socks, with no idea where the other two are, so Bruce shoves his bare feet into his shoes.

 

Once Tony is dressed, he steps into the suit and it closes around him. “Once more into the breach, I guess,” Bruce says quietly, and straightens his shoulders.

 

Even though Tony could probably fly straight out of the building by punching a hole in the roof, he walks Bruce out, which is appreciated. He knows that Tony could let him face the others alone.

 

“How nice of you to join us,” Hill says dryly.

 

Bruce blushes and ducks his head. Tony flips up his faceplate and smirks. “You only wish you were in my shoes.”

 

Hill is silent for a moment. “You know, Stark, your ego isn’t quite as big as I thought.”

 

Tony grins. “Hey, everybody knows I’m good in bed.”

 

Hill rolls her eyes. “Get out of here, Stark. I’ll make sure Dr. Banner has a ride.”

 

Tony glances at Bruce and raises his eyebrows.

 

Bruce nods. “I’ll see you at home.”

 

Tony’s grin is blinding, and he puts his faceplate down and takes off with a flourish. Bruce knows it’s because he’d referred to their place as home.

 

“And you put up with that?” Hill asks.

 

Bruce chuckles. “Well, he’s not wrong. Tony _is_ good in bed.”

 

Hill’s eyes narrow. “How long has this been going on?”

 

Bruce smirks. “Ever since Protocol 53. I may have to send Fury a thank you card.”

 

Hill snorts. “Well, if you do, I’d be happy to deliver it, because I would love to see the look on his face when he reads it.”

 

“I’ll let you know,” Bruce replies. “Now, if you don’t mind, I _really_ need a shower, and a bed, pretty much in that order.”

 

And, as nice as all the sex was, Bruce has to admit that he’s looking forward to sleeping next to Tony, content to finally have someone to share his life.


End file.
